Wednesday, December 17, 2003
Dude...
OUR GUY NEXT DOOR:
You tell about your life and thoughts honestly and
without pretending. This might at times come
out pretty dull and boring. Never mind - those
who know you will be coming back day after day,
week after week.
What kind of blogger are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You know what really sucks about some Quizillas? That they can be mind-numbingly true. There are times when I don't want to blog because I know they will "come out pretty dull and boring". Sometimes I feel my whole damn life is like that.
At the church camp last week, I was reminded that being self-depreciating was killing my relationships with others and probably turning me into an unapproachable jerk. So last night, at a "reunion dinner" of sorts among my batch of ACJC choristers, I tried to make that change. Tried to be cheerful, and cool, and laid-back. I guessed it worked... to some extent. I only put myself down twice. Interestingly enough, on both occasions, they doubled up as being conversation enders. NOTE TO ALL: Do not ask me how I've been as a conversation starter, or risk a spontaneous self-pity remark.
It's amazing how much I hate so much of my past. How much I wish I did everything differently and shot myself at the first thought of suicide. How much I wish that my parents didn't love me so much so I wouldn't have qualms about throwing myself off the twenty-fifth storey of my block. How much I wish that I wasn't Catholic, or so "on" about church-related activities. If there was anything I want to be right now, it's to be free of everything.
Unfortunately, this life holds way too much for me to give it all up. It may stink, but there are people around who do care. People whom I've come to accept as "friends of the heart" and not "friends of the road". These are the people who keep me going, despite all the shit I go through. These are the friends who don't expect me to be anything but myself. And I thank God they exist.
I used to think I needed a girlfriend to make me feel good about myself. I don't. Not anymore. For the first time in a long time, I'm more than content to be me.
OUR GUY NEXT DOOR:
You tell about your life and thoughts honestly and
without pretending. This might at times come
out pretty dull and boring. Never mind - those
who know you will be coming back day after day,
week after week.
What kind of blogger are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You know what really sucks about some Quizillas? That they can be mind-numbingly true. There are times when I don't want to blog because I know they will "come out pretty dull and boring". Sometimes I feel my whole damn life is like that.
At the church camp last week, I was reminded that being self-depreciating was killing my relationships with others and probably turning me into an unapproachable jerk. So last night, at a "reunion dinner" of sorts among my batch of ACJC choristers, I tried to make that change. Tried to be cheerful, and cool, and laid-back. I guessed it worked... to some extent. I only put myself down twice. Interestingly enough, on both occasions, they doubled up as being conversation enders. NOTE TO ALL: Do not ask me how I've been as a conversation starter, or risk a spontaneous self-pity remark.
It's amazing how much I hate so much of my past. How much I wish I did everything differently and shot myself at the first thought of suicide. How much I wish that my parents didn't love me so much so I wouldn't have qualms about throwing myself off the twenty-fifth storey of my block. How much I wish that I wasn't Catholic, or so "on" about church-related activities. If there was anything I want to be right now, it's to be free of everything.
Unfortunately, this life holds way too much for me to give it all up. It may stink, but there are people around who do care. People whom I've come to accept as "friends of the heart" and not "friends of the road". These are the people who keep me going, despite all the shit I go through. These are the friends who don't expect me to be anything but myself. And I thank God they exist.
I used to think I needed a girlfriend to make me feel good about myself. I don't. Not anymore. For the first time in a long time, I'm more than content to be me.
